How to Become a Great Listener
/Just as there is an art to being a great conversationist, there is also an art to becoming a really good listener. In this article I will break down the key factors that will help you become an excellent listener and ultimately a great communicator.
Photography by Paul Garrett
Effective communication is a two way street and if you can become a great listener, others will enjoy talking with you. Most people love to talk about themselves to one degree or another and if you show genuine interest in them, they will become magnetically drawn to you. In addition, you learn way more by listening than you do by talking.
5 Benefits of Being a Great Listener
People enjoy talking with you.
You learn more.
You build closer relationships.
You make people feel understood and valued.
You remember more of what people tell you.
5 Tips for Becoming a Better Listener
Be mindful and present.
Be aware of your posture and how you hold yourself.
Understand what Mirroring is.
Ask relevant and authentic questions.
Show genuine interest in the other person.
One of the best ways to show that you truly care about another person is to listen with the goal of understanding them. We all want to be heard and understood, especially in our most intimate relationships. Give your special person your full attention and in some cases it may even be helpful to repeat important aspects of a conversation starting with, “what I heard is that you… (sum up what they said) Is that correct?” Positive feedback and affirmations are also really helpful such as, “I’m super happy for you that you got a second interview! You are going to do great!” Praise and positive attention lift our spirits and create better relationships. After all it feels great to feel heard and supported.
Photography by Paul Garrett
Great listeners also ask good questions. They are genuinely curious and caring and ask questions that are not only meaningful and relevant to the other person, but are also meaningful to them. In the most enjoyable conversations, I love learning about the other person, what they are passionate about and interesting facts that they may also want to share with me.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is becoming a popular subject these days and it strongly plays into highly affective communication skills. In his book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ,” Daniel Goleman, Ph.D. lays out five components to emotional intelligence which are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. Each of these play into mindfulness and our ability to be fully present with another person as we listen to what they have to say.
Understanding the Importance of Posture When Communicating
An added layer to this is your posture. How do you hold yourself when you talk with with another person. Are you relaxed and fully facing them? Or is your body partially turned in another direction. If we are conscious, we pick up on subtle cues such as eye contact and how someone holds their body. A good example is if a person’s body is partially facing away and they seem distracted, there is a good chance that they are considering ending the conversation and moving in that direction. I’ve known several people who have met former President Bill Clinton. They all were impressed by how he made them feel like the most important person in the room from his warm handshake, his fully engaging posture, his eye contact, his tone of voice and his questions. If you want to rise in the world, take note and study people who make you feel good and how they do it, then practice being a fully engaged listener.
On a final note, being a great listener is especially important with our intimate partners. We face the deepest parts of ourselves with them and that can be very vulnerable. The greatest gift that we can give them is our full genuine presence and a desire to make them feel seen, understood and loved. Relationships start to fail when couples no longer feel respected, desired, valued, loved or heard.
Photography by Paul Garrett
Your full attention is important to your partner and as a great listener you show them that they are important to you, as well. When you have a disagreement, pause before you react. Let your partner tell you how they feel without being reactive, judgmental or shutting them down. Often our partners are not looking for us to fix a situation. They just need us to listen and show them that we care. If they are ranting about another person who has been treating them poorly, let them get it out. It’s healthy for us to have a confidant who allows us to share our uncomfortable emotions and release them without judgement. And furthermore, by doing so we cultivate more trust, intimacy and love in return.
Becoming a great listener may take time and practice, but it is definitely worth the effort. Be mindful, be genuine, show that you care about what others have to say and they will really appreciate being in your presence.
Take care and thanks for reading and supporting this blog!
All the best,
Paul Garrett
