What is Unconditional Love in a Relationship?

One of the best descriptions of unconditional love that I have ever read comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in the Bible which says,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Romantic love is such a powerful feeling that consumes our minds and our hearts when we first fall in love with another person. It sweeps us off of our feet and makes our minds feel floaty and joyful. All that we want to do is be with this person through this period of high vibration and obsession. This is the result of the powerful hormones that flood our bodies such as serotonin and the love hormone, oxytocin. In this state of bliss we can become possessive of one another in a way that feels amazing, but what happens to this love when the honeymoon stage wears off?

Conditional Love

In most relationships couples start to put boundaries around what they can and they cannot do mainly due to the fear of losing the other person or of having their heart broken. Marriage is one way to attempt to assure that this love will last. Others will also have children to cement this blond forever. As the high of the relationship fades, more conditions are put upon one another that constrain and may even deprive the individuals of the activities, hobbies and passions that they once enjoyed. Conditional love is a product of society and the need of our ego to control the other person. This is fear based love that may also included jealousy. “Do this or don’t do that or I will withhold my love from you.” You know what eventually happens when this gets out of control, right? The FEAR of losing one another becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. As fear creeps in and we become controlling, the other will run when they feel so trapped and suffocated that they can’t take being in the relationship any longer.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is exactly the opposite. It is a mature love where both people LOVE the other person so much that they want them to be HAPPY, they SUPPORT their DREAMS and the things that help them to become the best version of themselves and they both have MUTUAL ADMIRATION and RESPECT for one another. This is the gold standard of love and it is very rare, because most people have not developed the tools to be this secure and enlightened in life. Nor are most people conscious enough to rise above and no longer be controlled by their egos.

The Secret to Loving Unconditionally

So how can we rise to this level of beautiful love and trust so that we can love and be loved unconditionally by a mutually loving and mature partner? The secret lies within our own hearts and minds. We must first learn to love and respect ourselves unconditionally before we are able to give the gift of unconditional love to another person.

A good place to start is to ask ourselves if we are afraid to be alone in life? If so we need to spend time alone and get to know, appreciate and love ourselves. So ask yourself why you fear being alone. Once you identify the source you can eliminate it from your life and no longer be controlled by it. This is important because the fear of abandonment along with the fear of being alone either leads to neediness or to having a closed heart in a relationship. Both of these extremes are not healthy for couples.

The Importance of Self Love

I’ve written many times about the importance of loving yourself. Most of us grew up with negative feelings about ourselves and our worth that were given to us by people who shamed us long ago. This negativity holds us back in life. It makes us feel unworthy, small and incomplete. Therefore we seek our perceived completeness in the arms of another person. The problem is that we unfairly put the responsibility for our happiness and our ability to feel whole upon another person who is most likely struggling with their own insecurities. After all, like attracts like and insecurities have a way of feeding upon one another until they create conflict, constraints and a shaky foundation that will not support a lifetime of love with one another.

Let’s get back to self love by understanding family dynamics and how to reprogram our brains. First of all, our parents did the best that they could when they raised us. Many of them also came from abusive backgrounds and this disfunction carried on into our lives where it had a profound effect upon our self image. Healing from childhood wounds is important if we want to create a beautiful life with a partner and the first step is to forgive our parents and let go of the past so that we can move forward.

The Importance of Doing Soul Work

Soul work is difficult because it exposes our emotional wounds, but it is so worth it in the end. Seek out a great councilor or life coach who also understands the spiritual aspects of healing, read self help books and watch experts on love, healing, shame and trauma, such as Dr. Brene Brown and Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube. These experts will help you to realize that you are not alone on this journey and that healing is totally possible with the right mindset and tools. Also learn about the power of reciting “I am” statements to yourself as you look in the mirror to reprogram your subconscious mind in a positive manner. Choose your own words, but here are some examples:

I am smart

I am lovable

I am worthy

I am a loving person

I am successful

I am powerful

I am healthy

The School of Life

Life is a school and our task is to find mastery over our thoughts, our emotions, our health, our bodies and to integrate all of this with our spirit so that we become whole again. Love is the great healer and it is also a beautiful way to connect with another human. As we heal and we raise our vibration, we also increase our odds of attracting a soul partner who has healed and is available to love us unconditionally. Remember that love is expansive. If you are in a relationship that is controlling and diminishing to you, that is not love. In this case you are most likely codependent and fear has a heavy influence over you and your partner.

Remember once again the beautiful words that were written in 1 Corinthians,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

The Path to Wholeness and the Ultimate Love

When we heal… When we learn to love ourselves unconditionally… When we enjoy our own company and appreciate our alone time, fears fades away and love becomes the dominant energy. This is huge and from this point forward our lives expand along with our self confidence. No longer fearing abandonment, rejection, and not being worthy of love, we are finally able to understand and appreciate the beauty of unconditional love (CLICK HERE to read my blog on the 5 Most Common Fears). Think how amazing it would feel to love and be loved this way!!! Think how incredible it would be to have a partner who wants to see you grow and succeed in life. Think how much love you would have to give back in return when you cup is full. This is the beauty of unconditional love that is available to all of us if we are willing to learn, grow and open our hearts without fear.

With love,

Paul

P.S. - Unconditional love does not mean that you do not set up healthy boundaries. You should always respect yourself and never accept emotional or physical abuse in your relationship.

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